Cant-o-logical order

 What is short, fat , round and hairless ? And now, pointless ?

Been a year of Cants. Got an event ? I can cant-o-fy it.

Cant : Get a Visa- 

So my company sent me in to get a visa with crappy, and bordering on fraudulent documentation. Result ? Denied an H1 visa, the most undeniable Visa of them all.

Cant : Grow my hair back - 

There is no cure for bad luck.

Cant : Be ever lucky with females - 

Do you even need an explanation  ?

Cant : Renew interest in his old dead-end job. 

Not that there ever was any to begin with.

Cant : Land a new one. 

I tried. Seriously. But how do you fake 5 years of coding experience you do not have ?  I can now post a step by step guide to keep a straight face when told "Sorry, but you can leave for the day..".

Cant :  Afford to use a petrol driven car.

Again, not that I ever did in the past. But hey, like everything, I chose the ostrich approach. If you dont like it, bury your head in the sand and hope that it goes away.

Cant : Even make this post come out as I intended it to. 

 Self explanatory.

Cant : Think of better things to do on a Saturday evening than make crappy blog posts. 


Ohh, and now I can endlessly bore people with pointless Tweets.

https://twitter.com/#!/TheITDonkey

Knotty Travails

After much coaxing and cajoling by his folks, the Donkey finally agreed to call the female his folks were emailing him about almost for 2 continuous days. Sitting in the adjoining room. Somehow, they think, an idea assumes an air of importance for the Donkey only if it is emailed to him.

Hence, yours truly did the bravest thing he had attempted in quite some time today morning : Called an unknown female.

Click.

The call was disconnected in the third ring.

Relief. I had an excuse to not go through this after all.

Unfortunately, it was answered in the second attempt. I, as anyone who had spent too much time being an ITDonkey would do, promptly went blank the moment it was. Fortunately, the person at the other end was not one, and she took charge.

5.30 pm, at Fancy Coffee Place.

Quite something , for someone whose idea of "eating out" was having a plate of masala dosa (fondly called as MSL.DSA) in the the office canteen.

What follows is a step by step account of how to score big self goals during such encounters.

- As you all know, most pictures of females taken for matrimonial purposes are seriously Auntyfied. Even in this form, my date for the day , did warrant a second look.

In real life, she was the kind of person, in whose direction all male teams in office crane their collective necks to catch a glimpse of.

And I, on the other hand, look like, well, Me. Which is only slightly worse than a real donkey. Only with less hair. Strike one against the donkey then.

- Presented with a form like the mentioned above,most of my brain cells loudly declare "No sir, we are better off staying back in the car..". Thus deserted by most of my key allies, I lurched towards where my date was seated.

"Hi Neha!"

"Hi, its Priya..!".

WHOA!! Thats an unbelievable biggie. The mother of all self goals.

Strike two against the Donkey. And strike three, four and five as well. I was on borrowed strikes now.

- "What exactly does your job involve Mr.Donkey?"

"I..I...umm...I...travel.." .

Borrowed Strike six. I was not even sub-prime strike worthy now.

No idea why I said that. I dont travel. My job involves shuffling some code. As I said, my senses had taken a leave, and were sitting at the adjoining table, having a massive laughter session at my expense. But I had already made myself sound like I am a travelling salesman. That every morning after I get up, I pick my battered briefcase up, and head for a road trip.

Not the correct thing to say to someone whose opening lines clearly said she wanted to stay in Pune. It was not even a correct thing at all.

There were a few other things in between though, including her objective evaluation of me. Had a good laugh while driving back and was finally alone though.

.

Family weddings are good for the health.

I can spend all the time getting a decent workout from running away from the queries like "what are your expectations.." , "When is your turn.." , presented to me by little old ladies who seem to pop out of everywhere.

I was surprised the other day though, when my usual parking spot at home was occupied by a BMW when I returned after (yet another) long day at office. Even more surprising was that the gentleman owner was actually a visitor at my home. They were discussing..oh well. Excuse me sir, has it occurred to you, that even if we disregard other things, you folks are way way way above my league? Not that I have the slightest interest in these matters.

Now that we are on the subject of female companionship, I might add that Europe(from where the Donkey is back from his mule-ing duties) is a wonderful place to be with one!

Just walking down its cobbled streets and soaking it all in...the buildings, the slim and pretty and very fashionable ladies , the snotty men who pretended not to understand English, the street cafes, the quirky and stylish cars and the boutique shops.... filled me with a warm fuzzy feeling!

Antwerp is full of things I cannot afford.

Brussels seems to be the centre of the European universe. Its like they want to be symbolic of the continent, just like people equate NY with the USA.

And Amsterdam seems to be a city full of pot smoking pornography peddlers. Not really a place where you walk into a toy-shop expecting to find Chinese plastic cars.

Comment moderation.

Sorry guys, had to enable moderation for comments to get rid of my quite considerable Chinese fan following, who, even though were engaged in the noble task of encouraging visitors to this blog to enhance their manliness with their help, didnt quite catch my fancy.

PS: I also now officially hate Facebook , because it gives me a glimpse of the utterly charmed life everybody else is leading.

Coming out.

Its been years. Years and years since I have been waiting for this moment.
Thought that apprehension of it all would go away as time progressed. But it hasnt. Got a lump in my throat as big as an apple as I am writing this.
I used to think that no, most certainly I am not the ONLY one in the world like this. There must be others, and yes, there most certainly are, but they can be very strongly stereotyped. Not me. Infact, some would indeed say that they never expected me to ever turn out like this.
But I can only hide this for so long, before people come to know through means other than me.
So here goes...thats me 'coming out' : I. Cant. Park.

There. I said it.
I cant park to save my life. The very thought of steering a big machine into a marked area into which it sort of fits fills my heart with great fear. And there is a monstrous knot in my tummy everytime I actually have to reverse into some place.
I sometimes walk for many kilometers to my destination just because the parking spot earlier on was "just so fine".
I have seen completely new drivers execute a perfect parallel park and dithering old ladies deftly sliding their cars in spots smaller than their car itself.
So why me ? Was I..err..born with it ?

.

Its a sign of worry when your parents show up serious faced into your room out of the blue. More so if they have been having some sort of discussion amongst themselves before that.

What is the reason you are spending inordinately long times in office these days ? - They ask.
Is it because there is *someone* we should be knowing about ? - She asks.

Ahh... they have no idea do they?

Ofcourse its about someone they should know !

Infact, I have the nagging suspicion that they already know..

The people luring me into the dark innards of the office (why dark? because they are darned keen to switch off all lights post 9pm..) , are a certain Mr. Mohandas Gandhi and a certain Mr.Benjamin Franklin .

Boy...do I love them!!

Pune Blasts

Is Mr.Manmohan Singh waiting for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination ?????